We Found Our Way
Once caught in a cycle of addiction, arrests and family separation, Robert has transformed his life through determination, sobriety and access to services. After losing custody of his children and battling methamphetamine use, he committed to recovery through inpatient treatment, parenting classes and court-ordered services. Now, with 15 years of sobriety, a strong marriage and two thriving teenage sons, Robert shares his story.
In 2008, my girlfriend Cheryl became pregnant with our first child, Robert. During the pregnancy, we tried to stop using methamphetamines multiple times because we knew it was bad for the baby, but we never managed to. Eventually, it was time to have the baby.
Cheryl was able to stop using a week before they induced birth so she did not test positive, and we got to take the baby home. I wasn't working at the time. I was laid off and living off of unemployment benefits, but Cheryl was working. I was going to be the one to stay at home and take care of the baby, and so I did. However, we continued to use methamphetamines and alcohol.
While raising the baby, I did everything for and with him. I had to make sure that I had my baggy and my bottle. I thought I was doing everything perfectly, but it was far from that.
One day I took the baby to a lake while I was drinking. There, I got into a fight and was arrested for child endangerment and public intoxication. Cheryl was called to pick up the baby. While in jail, I was handed a restraining order to stay away from my child. I had never been in this much trouble in my life. I was used to the drunk public charges and DUI 's, but never child endangerment.
When I was released from jail, I was notified by Cheryl that I had another court date in juvenile court. I had never heard of this court before. It was all new to me. I was then told there that I had to move in with my grandfather and out of my parents’ house where I was living with Cheryl and the baby. I now had a Child Protective Services (CPS) case and needed to follow the court's recommendations to attend supervised visits with my child.
Cheryl was living with my parents with my child, so I could not come over to the house. I felt angry, confused and pushed out of my own family. I felt that the social workers did not want me around my children anymore.
As part of my case plan, I had something to do every day of the week: parenting classes, therapy, drug testing, domestic violence classes and medication management for my mental health.
The social worker and I did not see eye to eye. In visits, he would make me feel very awkward and was intimidating while I was engaging with my child during visits. By this time, I had lost patience and was breaking the restraining order every day. I would engage in domestic violence with Cheryl at my parents’ house because I started having feelings about her continuing to use, but only I was required to do testing and getting in trouble for continued methamphetamine use. I wasn't going to report her because she had the baby, but it was making me resentful.
I continued to go to all my groups and classes but was still high and drunk. My plan was to make it through this process, get back with my child and family, but continue to use. I wasted six months in outpatient services trying to fake my test results every week.
During the open case with CPS, our second child, Charles, was born. During this time, my mom grew angry at me for continuing to break the restraining order and for constantly fighting with Cheryl. My mom reached out to the social worker and said, “I think you should test her too. They're both acting crazy.” When confronted by the social worker, Cheryl agreed to test, and she tested positive for methamphetamines also. We felt fortunate to find an inpatient substance abuse program that allowed our two boys to remain with Cheryl as she resided there.
I never wanted to go to an inpatient facility because I didn't want to be separated from Cheryl and the boys, but now I found myself all alone and needed to find an inpatient treatment center for myself.
A month after Cheryl and the boys entered their program, I found a bed in another program. It was like a giant weight was lifted off me when I entered. I had been fighting it for the last six months, and I was exhausted. A new social worker was assigned to my CPS case, and she came to visit me while in treatment. She was very positive, and I felt very supported that she came out to see how I was doing. During this time, I would write Cheryl letters and she would write me letters about how great our family was going to be once we were all back together.
My program was three months long, and Cheryl's was six. When I was finished, I was able to modify the restraining order, and that allowed me to go pick up the kids on the weekend for overnight visits. I was doing very well and completing all of my case plan activities, and I was staying sober. My social worker was really helpful and would show me how my hard work was paying off.
When Cheryl completed her own program, we all moved back in together at my parents’ house. We had to get to know one another all over again–we had never known each other without using, or raised children without drugs or alcohol. It was a challenge. We attended couples counseling and church to repair our relationship together.
Our CPS case finally closed in 2012.
In 2013, my social worker gave me a call. She asked if I would like to support fathers and other families such as myself with reunifying their children. She said that I had potential to be a great parent advocate.
I didn't know if I wanted to or could possibly support anyone other than myself. I didn't know if I was capable; but, eventually, that's where I started my journey as a parent advocate in Alameda County, where I stayed for 10 years. Then, three years ago, I started working as a parent partner at the Child Abuse Prevention Council of Contra Costa County. Currently, I support families involved with Contra Costa County Children and Family Services through the court process, supporting families with reunification. I attend court hearings with the families and make sure they are connected to court ordered services. My desk is actually in the County building with the social workers and others who serve families. This year is the 20th anniversary of the Child Abuse Prevention Council, and I'm incredibly grateful to be a part of the team.
On the home front, Cheryl and I have been together for a long time, and we have been married for five years. Our two boys, now ages 14 and 16, are doing great, and I have 15 years of sobriety.
It’s been quite a journey, but we found our way.