The Questions We Do Not Ask

Children do not experience family as case categories or placement types. They experience family through belonging. 

Over the years, I have found myself wondering about the questions we do not consistently ask in child welfare practice: 

• Do we ask children about who they feel close to? 
• Do we ask about father-child bonding with the same intentionality we assess other relationships? 
• Do we pause long enough to understand how a child experiences identity, culture, safety and family? 

Too often, systems learn about families administratively before we understand them relationally. 

I first began noticing this while supervising family reunification cases. There were moments when fathers had completed their services, demonstrated stability and were prepared to reunify with their children. Yet conversations did not always fully explore paternal connections and permanency options with the same urgency afforded to other family relationships.

Over time, I realized this was not isolated to individual cases. 

In meetings, case reviews, trainings and systems conversations, fathers were rarely discussed unless someone intentionally brought them into the room.  Maternal connections were often explored first, while paternal relationships remained delayed, secondary or unexplored. 

Not always intentionally. Not always maliciously. But consistently enough that it became difficult to ignore. 

As I transitioned into Continuous Quality Improvement (CQI) work, I found myself returning to one difficult question: What happens when systems unintentionally treat fathers as optional in a child’s story? 

For children, family is more than a placement category or case identifier. Family is identity, connection, memory, culture and self-understanding. When paternal relationships are overlooked, children may lose more than contact with a parent. They may lose relationships with siblings, grandparents, uncles, traditions, culture and pieces of themselves. 

Many of the children we work with have already experienced instability, fractured attachment, disrupted relationships and trauma. Yet systems sometimes assess their lives through adult assumptions rather than through the lived experience of the child. 

A child who has always lived in an unsafe environment may not define safety the same way an adult does. Children adapt to the environments they know. Without deeper curiosity, we risk misunderstanding what children are actually trying to communicate. 

I have seen children continue asking for fathers and paternal relatives long after systems stopped exploring those connections. In one case, a child placed in shelter care refused to move forward with placement discussions until paternal relatives had been contacted. That experience stayed with me because it reinforced something I had seen repeatedly throughout practice: Children often know who matters to them long before systems do. 

In child welfare, paternal relationships are often filtered through legal categories such as alleged, presumed or biological fatherhood. While those distinctions serve important legal purposes, children may experience those relationships very differently. 

Some children are deeply bonded to fathers whose legal status is still evolving. Others experience stepfathers, partners or long-term father figures as central parental relationships long before systems formally recognize their importance. 

Too often, those connections become highly visible only when they are associated with risk or conflict. Yet the same relationships may be overlooked when they represent stability, attachment, guidance or belonging. 

Children experience fatherhood relationally, not simply legally. 

Thoughtful exploration of paternal relationships does not mean every connection is appropriate or safe. It means every meaningful relationship deserves intentional assessment rather than assumption.  

Most social workers enter this field with curiosity. They enter wanting to understand families, build relationships and help people heal. Over time, however, practice can narrow. 

Workers quickly learn what gets reinforced, what conversations create discomfort and what priorities receive attention. Supervision, organizational culture, time pressure, burnout and fear all shape whether curiosity expands or contracts within practice. 

Workers also learn what is safe to care deeply about. That is why supervision matters so deeply. 

Supervisors shape practice culture every day through the questions they ask, the conversations they encourage and the curiosity they reinforce, not just through policy and compliance. If supervisors consistently create space for conversations about fathers, paternal relatives, identity, culture and relational connection, practice begins to shift. 

Workers grow where curiosity is supported. When curiosity is supported, assessments become more than procedural checklists. They become intentional conversations focused on understanding who a child is, who matters to them and what helps them feel connected and whole. 

Children deserve more than procedural assessment. They deserve to be understood. 

What continues to give me hope are the moments when connection is restored. Every time a child reconnects with a father, sibling, grandparent or paternal relative they believed was lost to them, I am reminded that belonging still matters deeply to children, even when systems lose sight of it. 

I continue to believe practice can evolve. I have seen workers shift perspective, supervisors create space for deeper conversations, and fathers step into connection after years of distance and disconnection. 

The shift happens when the vision becomes clearer. It begins when we start asking the questions children have been answering all along. Children often know who matters to them long before systems do. Our responsibility is to ensure we are listening.

Justian O’Ryan (she/her), MSW, is a supervisor in the Continuous Quality Improvement Unit at San Joaquin County’s Children’s Services Bureau. Through her role as a CQI Supervisor with San Joaquin County Child Protective Services, O'Ryan founded the Dear Dads Coalition, a collaborative father-engagement initiative focused on strengthening families, reducing disparities and improving outcomes for children through meaningful father involvement.